Give-and Take: Recipe For Success In Marriage?
|
A woman once visited a counselor to ask a question about her marriage. I have a funny feeling that you might not be especially impressed with the answer she was given.
All the same, I'll take my chances. I think my shoulders are broad enough.
I stand by the counselor's response 100%.
The questioner (let's call her Jane) was married to a divorcee. Her husband (John) had to pay a certain sum of money every month to his previous wife as alimony, or whatever.
Sticky patch
He had just started anew business and was passing through a financial sticky patch. The obligation to his ex-wife, on top of everything else, was putting John under a lot of pressure.
Jane was a working person and gladly helped to pay the family debts. She never thought twice about it. But could she be expected to contribute in this case?
Surely, reasoned Jane, her husband's financial commitment to somebody to whom he had been married previously had nothing to do with her? Yes, she and John were life partners and she was happy toshare all his burdens.
But even for what happened in a previous life, so to speak? Wasn't that going too far?
"I must confess I don't really understand your question," the counselor gently told Jane after listening intently to her dilemma.
"You and John are husband and wife. John has a debt. He's struggling to pay it. What difference does it make what the debt is for? It's a debt, period!"
The counselor smiled warmly at Jane before she continued.
"His problems are your problems. You're in this together. Why on earth shouldn't you help pay the debt? If, after all, it's difficult foryou to accept this, it must be that there's some deeper problem in your marriage..."
And that's it.
Don't hit the roof!
Now, it's important not to misunderstand the counselor, or me. I don't want your blood pressure to hit the roof! We have to keep cool heads and put everything in the proper perspective.
First of all, she wasn't implying, of course, that John now had a licence to sit back, put his legs up, and meditate blissfully about the higher meaning of life, while his dear and ever obligingspouse worked like a donkey to pay the price of his past.
Not at all. I should think that's pretty obvious, but I have to stress it just in case.
Secondly, when we talk about husband and wife being full partners in the business of living, about sharing each other's burdens - financial or otherwise - no less than each other's joys, we are not saying for one moment that either party must contribute more than is reasonable.
In the case of our story, Jane was a high-earning professional. In other instances, a wife may bring in little or no income, for any of a number of reasons. It may not be desirable that she be working at all.
And not only money!
But that's hardly the point. We're talking of quality, rather than quantity. One can only do what one can, but it's the real desire to help that counts. And contributing doesn't only meanmoney.
I'll let you in on a little secret. I don't really like the use of the word PARTNER in connection with marriage.
True, we've used it up to now, for want of a better term. It does come in handy to describe a good marriage relationship, up to a point.
Yet, I hardly think that an ideal marriage relationship is a "partnership" in the same sense that we talk about a business partnership, for example. Not at all. When we think of a partnership, we usually think about a contract between two parties. A 50-50 sharing of responsibilities,or the like.
Confused?
A little confused? Well, let me explain!
Do you have children? Good! Do you love them?
"What a question!" you exclaim, "Gee, how I love them!"
"Don't you know the sacrifices we made for them? From the moment they came into this world, when they depended on us for their very survival, my spouse and I gave them our all. Just as much as awhimper from them in the middle of the night, and we were there to attend to their needs. Even now, they may disappoint us, anger us or hurt us, but we continue to cater to their every whim...Do youneed any greater proof that we love them!"
So...is that why you've done so much for them - because you love them so much?
Wrong way round
Could be. But even more, I'd say it's the other way round: You love them so intensely BECAUSE you've done so much for them!
This is nothing more or less than human nature, and I think there's a great lesson for us here. We need to think about this very carefully.
Sometimes, when two people begin to think about marrying each other, they think in terms of some business arrangement. Whether they verbally express it that way or not, their minds work somethingalong these lines:
"You have needs and I have needs. Maybe, if I satisfy yours, you will satisfy mine. You wash the dishes and I'll pay the rent. Sundays to Tuesdays I'll take out the garbage, and for the remainderof the week you will. Other duties will be divided by mutual consent. For every suit I buy, you can buy two pairs of shoes..."
If this is the marriage you want, good luck to you! It's a free world. But will you be happy? I mean, really happy? I wonder.
Many people will tell you that for a happy marriage, you need what they describe as "give-and-take".
Give and take? Nonsense! Forget about it!
What you need is "give and give." And give again. And again.
That's the royal road to happiness.
Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene.
|
|
|
Marriage Counseling: How To Keep Jealousy From Destroying Your Marriage
Jealousy has often been called the "green-eyed monster," and with good reason. The "monster" ...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Writing Wedding Vows ? Ideas That Will Help You Express What You Truly Feel
More and more, couples are choosing to write their own wedding vows. Although many people believe that this is the best way to truly express their personal beliefs and feelings, often they are unsure about how to begin and what to include. If you would like to write your own wedding vows, here are some tips for writing vows that pledge the love you truly feel.Inform your clergyman earlyIf the ceremony will be religious, let the clergyman know about your plans as soon as possible. If there are guide principles you will need to be aware of as you write your vows, the sooner you know what they are the better. This is also a...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Exciting Costa Rica Honeymoon Vacations
Couples experiencing their first Costa Rica honeymoon vacations are never dismayed. This scenic Central American nation is rich in nature and wildlife, with pristine oceanic coasts on two of its borders. The landscape and climate are so multifarious that one can drive through less than an hour of terrain and it will feel like an entirely new country.Unlike some of its neighbors, Costa Rica is a very politically stable country. "Pura vida" is a commonly uttered phrase, which roughly translates to "pure life" in English. This motto encompasses everything you will encounter during your Costa Rica honeymoon. To the locals (affectionately known as "ticos"), pura vida is a philosophy that is lived, but not so easily described.After agriculture, tourism is the largest industry in Costa Rica. The rainforest wildlife is some...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Groomsmens Gifts
Your groomsmen will be donating their time to your big event. They will appear at the tailor or rental store to be fitted for that formal wear. They will hear your arguments with your beloved over the weddi...(related: Marriage Wedding)
The Planning Of A Bridal Shower!
Planning a bridal shower? Maybe a dear friend or even sister is getting married and you are in charge of planning the bridal shower? Bridal showers are customary and traditional. They aren't all about the bridal shower gifts though! They are a way to welco...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Bridal Shower Basics
A bridal shower is an excellent way for the bride to surround herself with her closest friends and family and relax, loosen up and have some fun. The bride can also use this time to share the experiences of those that have already married, and in a general way, espouse her expectations and dreams for the new adventure she is about to enter. The bridal shower should be memorable for the bride-to-be and her guests and can be based on a particular theme, just like the wedding. Games, themes, decorations, and gifts are all important to include in the bridal shower. Many couples choose to have "couple showers," where both bride and groom are able to share the time together. ...(related: Marriage Wedding)
The Loveliest Las Vegas Wedding Reception
If you are actually planning your Las Vegas wedding reception, you're already a step ahead of a lot of people who get married in Vegas! All kidding aside - this is certainly a momentous occasion, and for your wedding reception Las Vegas has the expertise to make it perfect.In Las Vegas, wedding receptions of all flavors are a very familiar request, so most hotels have full-time staff dedicated to helping people like you plan and prepare for the event. Moreover, Las Vegas bo...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Planning Your Honeymoon -- 6 Tips To Help
The groom traditionally plans the honeymoon. However, most brides prefer to be in on the honeymoon plans so that they can prepare ahead too. Here are some things the two of you need to discuss when planning your honeymoon.
- The honeymoon budget: The groom usually pays for the honeymoon so it is important that you both know how much you can afford to spend. The budget will determine your choice of destination and the duration of your honeymoon.
- The honeymoon destination: Honeymoons are meant for relaxing, having fun and enjoying the beginning of a life together. Both ? the bride and the groom ? must be happy with the chosen destination. If your bride doesn't like the heat, going to Hawaii might not be such a great idea. Likewise, if mountains a...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Atlanta Wedding Receptions
The beginning of the journey of two souls begins with their vows on their wedding day and thus a wedding should be perfect, flawless and blissful. Everything right from the table linen to the food, the venue and especially the wedding gown has to be perfectly arranged with meticulous effort. If you are going for a memorable a...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Fifteen Fabulous Favors
The possibilities are endless when it comes to creating (or choosing) wedding favors. Take a look at the list below for fifteen fabulous ideas.For outdoor/garden weddings:-Small, painted terra cotta pots filled with excelsior, topped off with a few of your favorite flower bulbs and finished with pretty ribbons or raffia-Store-bought miniature bird's nests filled with Robin's egg candies-Decorative sachets filled with scented lavender, rose petals, or other dried flowersFor beach/beach-themed weddings:-Homemade cookies shaped like sand dollars (or seashells) in decorative wrappers, tied with ribbon-Se...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Proper Etiquette For The Wedding Invitation
The invitation is the first impression of the type of wedding you have planned. Your invitation may be custom made, sophisticated, eloquent or a do it yourself creation. With all the styles and colors to choose from, it should not be too difficult to find the perfect invitation.Whether your invitation is traditional or casual, you will need to include a RSVP (response card) and a reception information card. Other items you could put in with the invitation are directions to the church and reception hall.With today's "blended" families it is increasingly difficult to find the proper wording for the wedding invitation. Here are some examples of traditional wording for your invitation.Wording when Hosted by the Brides Family:Mr. and Mrs. John Snowrequest the honor of your presenceat the marria...(related: Marriage Wedding)
Planning Weddings On A Budget
Planning as early as possible for your wedding is the key to maintaining a budget you can afford. It is a good idea for both the future Bride and Groom to do this together. You may find that you have two completely different ideas of what your wedding should cost.Make a list for each area of your wedding. This will help you in coming up with a total cost for your special day. Include the amount you would like to spend and who will be paying for each area. The following is a list of some area's you may want to consider adding to your list:1. Wedding accessories and gown2. Grooms Formalwear3. Bridal Jewelry4. Ce...(related: Marriage Wedding)
site-map - Copyright © 2006 | Contact Webmaster | Weddings & Honeymoons | All Rights Reserved. | Marriage Wedding